What ruins a good Bollywood comedy ?

Why Bollywood doesn't make good comedy movies anymore?  One can easily blame various factors like directors, producers or actors. Some self acclaimed film critics on Facebook will blame the audience for watching below average movies and not going to watch "critically acclaimed" movies. Well hate to break it to you but every one is wrong. Let me tell you the reason. Technology.

Don't agree? Let me explain it to you by taking three examples.
First the classic Andaz Apna Apna. Entire plot is based on Salman and Amir getting confused by the identities of the leading ladies. What ruins the plot now? Facebook.
Next Hera Pheri. Plot is based on wrong number. What ruins the plot now? Truecaller in cellphones.
Lastly Dhamaal. Entire story takes place cause the leading men don't know their way to Goa. What happens now? Google maps bitch.

And yeah I just defended bollywood. And no I am not turning into my mom and blaming technology for everything wrong that happens in my life. 

RANT OF LONG PANTS: CELEBRITIES AND NEWSHOUR

Priyanka Chopra: main tatti karne jaa rahi hoon

Buzzfeed/Storypick/ScoopWhoop: You won’t believe what an badass PC is.

This is most social media websites and newspapers these days. Itna kisi celebrity ka bhi gaand chatna acha nahi hota. Basically there are three levels of reading out news:

1.      “Aaj Rakhsa Mantri Pakistan dwara kiye gaye cease fire violation ki kadi ninda karte hue bole ki iska charcha sansad mein hoga” read out in a constant pitch with no variation in decibel levels at low decibel levels

2.       “Dhyaan se dekhiye iss insan ko” read out in a constant pitch with high decibel levels.

3.       “Kyun nikle Arjun Kapoor Sonakshi Sinha ke ghaar se raat ke 4 baje” read with varying pitch and high decibel levels.

Arey mujhe nahi janna yaar ki Arjun Kapoor kya karne gaya tha Sonakshi Sinha ke ghar mein. Ho sakta hai ki uske ghar ki bathroom kharab ho Sonakshi ke ghar mein tatti karne gaya ho. Mujhe kya. Aur Priyanka Chopra ke Miami beach pe bikini pictures dekh ke kya karoonga? Hum Indians ko toh jana Puri beach hi hai aur who bhi jeans  aur shirt pehn ke. Aur wahan jake Rajkumar ke kacche(underwear) mein nahana hai. Aur agar Alia Bhatt aur Sidharth Malhotra relationship mein bhi hain toh main kya karoon? Hum Indians ko toh karna arrange marriage hi karna hai. Unke love story mein humara kya kaam bhai?

Salman Khan gaya Maldives apne family ke saath. Toh main kya karoon? Meri toh mall jane ki aukad nahi hai. Aur jitna goals Messi is season mein nahi mare honge utne toh Bollywood ne mare hain Travel goals, Body goals, Relationship goals, Apartment goals kya karun itne goals ka. Aur ye twitter ka kya chakar hai bhai. Twinkle Khanna ka tweet is not national news. Ye kya atankwad phaila rakha hai? Aur tweet publish karne ka kya fayda jab koi bhi actress photo upload karti hai toh comment toh yahi karna hai:

Thik hai bahut ho gaya. Main tatti karne ja raha hoon.

Teleshopping Ads: of men, by men, for men.

I saw this quote which is quite popular in Facebook right now, it goes like "Women were created to do what men can't ". If this is even remotely true then blame shopping. Before you judge me and label me as sexist, hear me out. If there's one thing that men can't do and women were born to do, it's bargaining. Now let's know what bargaining is. Bargaining is what your mom does when she says "Aaj chicken nahi ban sakta hai. Mixed veg se kaam chala lo". Your dad would never do that. Not cause he loves you, but because he sucks at bargaining.
I often read these posts about how guys give out excuses that then don't have a girlfriend cause girls are high maintenance and ask for gifts. Guys the only reason I can think of for which girls do that "asking for gifts" stuff is because they want you to learn to bargain. Try gifting her a watch and saying "Baby 2000Rs ka ghaadi tha. Discount mein 1200Rs mein laya". Trust me she won't ask you for gifts again. And that's cause she now knows that you know how to bargain or utilize discounts.
Women's favorite word that starts with letter D and whose second letter is I is DISCOUNT. The best thing about women that starts with the letter B is BARGAINING ABILITY.
That's why I think the only customers of Tele shopping ads are MEN. Those poor souls look at these ads and are like "Bro ye toh hume free ka discount de raha hai. End od season sale bhi nahi chala raha bro. Kharid le bro". So no matter how naive and crap those ads are, men are tempted to buy from them. And trust me it doesn't differentiate between religion. It sells everything from Hindu God's memorabilia to Mohammad Prophet's holy items. "Divided by Religion, United by non-bargaining ability". That's the tag  line of those ads. They sell everything from car repair kit to chaadis, from religious items that are supposed to turn you in to a religious man with out any moh maya to oils that increase your libido and apparently turn you in to a sex machine. And everything is just to lure men to buy those items.
Men log driver hota hai usko car repair kit chahiye.
Men log ko chaadi chahiye.
Men are more religious and god fearing than women. The reason I say that is cause there are more Babas in this country than Ammas. Isliye men religious banega.
And come on do I really need to explain you about the oils.
So it's up to you to decide. Chutiya kaun banta hai tele shopping ads se? Men or women?
P.S : Order a rudraksha at 999rs from Naaptol and pray to God. Maybe he will answer ki Chutiya jyada kaun banta hai. Offer valid till stocks last.

Dog owners and Dog names.

Before I proceed I wanna make it very clear that I don't hate dogs. Not until I accidentally step on their shit. I am just writing this to vent out my frustration of doing badly in end semesters. But let's not deviate from our topic. Let's see what is wrong with dog owners.

First of all dog owners are hypocrites. Don't agree? Here's an example. Remember a few months back when everybody on facebook was going bat shit crazy about a certain Yulin festival in China. Reportedly they boiled dogs alive during the festivals. Facebook went in to a frenzy. Worst affected were dog owners. One even went as far as starting a petition. Bro, it's China. Unka facebook aur twitter pe banned hai. No one is going to give a rat's ass about it. And hypocrisy was at it's heights when half of those dog owners were non-vegetarians. Bro tu machli, bakri aur murga khata hai. Tu bol hi mat.

You see dog owners are a lot like people who are in a relationship. They both show off how much they love their dogs ( pun intended ) , occasionally post pictures of themselves with their respective dogs and share all kinds of shitty relationship/pet goals post. The only difference being the loyal dog stays with you for his entire lifetime.

But the most worrying similarity is with the names. People in relationships call each other with weird nicknames. Dog owners have weird names for their dogs too. So here are some of the names that defy the logic as to why you should have them as names for your dog.

1. MOTI ( Read as Moti in pearl and not as Moti for fat) : It's a very common dog name in India stereotyped by Bollywood and made popular by poor/middle class  dog owners. Gareeb admi ke paas jo sabse keemti saman hota hai usko woh Moti hi bulayega.

2.TOMMY: Another stereotypical Bollywood dog name. This name is usually given by middle class dog owners jisko Foreigners se jyada pyar hota hai. To be honest we Indians will get more excited if we see two White people on road than if we see a lion or a cheetah. That affinity towards goras led to dog being named as Tommy.

3.TIGER: This is the most fucked up and one of the most common dog names one can come across. It's okay if you name a cat as tiger as they come from the same family. But a dog named Tiger? Seriously? So what if you bring a pet cat and just randomly decide "Are ye toh kutta jaise lag raha hai. Isko main Bhedia(Wolf) bulaunga."

4.CADBURY: Not so common a name. But I have come across dog owners who have named their dogs as Cadbury. I have two problems with this name. One, you are a dog owner and you should know that chocolate is harmful for your dog. Second, the only thing of a dog that even remotely matches cadbury is his tatti.

P.S: Sorry dog owners. Maafi _/\_ 

Already Broken down News.

Hey this is something I am trying for the first time. Here I will be breaking down news of last one or two weeks and analyzing them ( of course trying to make light of the situation).

1. Ink thrown on Sudheendra Kulkarni

Well are you wondering what I am wondering? That WHO USES A FOUNTAIN PEN? Like where did Shiv Sena( the political party that stands accused over coordinating this heinous act) get so much ink that they could drench Mr. Kulkarni in ink? 

Here's what happened Kulkarni, one of the organisers for former Pakistan foreign minister Kauri's book "Neither a Hawk nor a Dove: An Insider's Account of Pakistan's Foreign policy"launch in Mumbai was attacked outside his residence and his face was smeared with black ink. Shiv Sena's excuse was that the ink thrown wasn't ink but Indian soldiers blood who had given up their lives on the border.My question is of the six Shiv Sena activists against whom a case has been charged how many were ex-servicemen? 

I agree that Pakistan has violated ceasefire on numerous occasions in the past two years and peace talks between India and Pakistan have broken down so many times that even Varun Aaron appears more fit than India-Pak relations, but this was no good way to protest. Come on Shiv Sena help us show Pakistanis that we are better than them.

2.Bihar Elections are on

Bihar elections have started and more alliances and coalitions have been formed in the last two months than number of marriages Saif Ali Khan, Sanjay Dutt and Indrani Mukherjee have had together. It's BJP vs JD+RJD+Congress, i.e BJP vs Janata Dal and Rashritya Janata Dal and Congress. More abuses have been hurled from one side to another than entire 12 seasons of MTV Roadies. Let's wait and see who emerges as the winner.

3.Big Billion Day ends

And all the Flipkart,Amazon and Snapdeal apps were uninstalled from billions of phones as well. And what hurts more than your neighbor getting a 32-inch flatscreen for 20,000 while yours cost 50,000. It's the only time of the year that we brag about the prices and the one with the cheapest thing wins.

4.France win the European Men's volleyball championship

And no one gives a fuck, cause honestly unless it's 4 bikini clad women playing beach volleyball or a bunch of people playing a something which is a hybrid of golf and hockey( cricket I mean) we don't care. And yeah Zaheer Khan and VirenderShewag retire. *sobs* 

What Happens in a Lift Stays in a lift.

Hi I am Pratyutpanna K. Rout and those of you don't know me I am 6.3 feet tall. Yeah you can go ahead and crack your lame jokes about how I probably had an over dose of Complan or how I won't be able to kiss my girlfriend. But one thing I will be better at than you guys is climbing stairs and several other things but I won't talk about them.

When I say I am good at using stairs I mean I can climb two-three when you struggle to do that. That's one of the reasons I prefer stairs to lifts. But there are other reasons why I hate lifts. Remember the last time you used a lift at a mall? And regretted the decision of getting into the lift instead of taking the stairs. Probably because it was too crowded. I will tell you several more reasons why you regretted that decision.

So your decision culminates in to action with you being lazy and probably wanting to save time by using the lift. So you walk up to the lift and press the button. And you just don't press the button once, you keep pressing it after time intervals till the door opens. Like pressing it multiple times won't help it come up quickly. It's like Dhoni giving Rohit Sharma chances thinking he will become a legend. That shit won't happen. Now the door opens and you get in with a few other people waiting with you, and someone thinking that he probably has an IQ higher than Albert Einstein decides to press the switch that closes the door. But there is another guy waiting for an opportunity to go to Khatron ke Khiladi decides to show his agility and stops the door from closing by putting his body on the line. So all set and done  the lift has like 30 people and is carrying 20 people more than it should. You are behind wondering how did all of your life lead up to this moment. Lift moves up like a certain Rahul Dravid playing a test innings. And you suddenly notice the mole behind the person's head who is standing in front of you. Though you find it utterly disgusting you still keep staring at it cause seriously you have nothing better to do. What's worse is suddenly a strong scent hits you. It's a mixture of 19%Axe deodrant with 40% of cheap Cologne, 30% of sweat and body odour and 11% Kamla Pasand Pan masala. And to make it all worse every one else has to get out at floors before yours. And you are stuck in that hell of a place.

So next time remember this " Chain se upar jana hai toh seedhi chadhia". Or as some great person has said  " Mitroon fucking use the stairs even when it's not an emergency." 

What's wrong with Item Songs.

I have a real problem with item numbers. Not with how they portray women but what their lyrics actually mean. So I will try and decode some the most iconic item songs’ lyrics and thus prove how fucked up they sound.

1.SHEILA KI JAWANI

Ab dil karta hai huale haule se
Main khud ko gale lagaaun
Kisi aur ki mujhko zaroorat kya
Main to khud se pyaar jataaun
What's my name?
what's my name?
what's my name?
My name is Sheila, Sheila ki Jawani

Lets now analyze what the lyrics actually mean. Here Sheila says that she wants to slowly hug herself which clearly means that she is narcissist. Then she further goes on to say that she doesn’t need anyone else as she will make love to herself. She clearly wants to masturbate and so we realize even the best of us are not able to get laid. Thank you for the motivation. You, Sheila, are an inspiration to thousands of single people out there.

2.CHIKNI CHAMELI

Bichhu mere naina, badi zehereeli aankh maare
Kamsin kamariya saali ik thumke se lakh maare
Note hazaaro'n ke, khulla chhutta karaane aayi
Husn ki teelli se beedi-chillam jalaane aayi

Aaayi ! chikni chameli chhup ke akeli pawwa (quarter) chadha ke aayi 

 From one Katrina item number to another. Here she says that her eyes are like scorpions and that they are poisonous. That could be like the worst pick up line ever. “Yo babe your eyes are so poisonous that even scorpion bites feel like ant bites”. The logic is not allowed to die in peace just yet. It’s further tortured by saying that when she gyrates her “horny” waist thousands die. Like no one dies cause you have poisonous eyes everyone dies cause you have a horny waist. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day Daya walks upto ACP Pradyuman and goes like “Sir lagta hai ye admi hawas(horny) ke thumke se mara hai”. Then she further goes on to sing that she has come for change of 1000 bucks. Was this supposed to make all pharmacists, paan walas, petrol pump service men horny? Cause they are the only one having khulla or change. And she says she has come after drinking a quarter. As far I am concerned some one drunk has obviously written the lyrics.

3.FEVICOL SE

Main to tanduri main to tanduri murgi hoon yaar
Gatkale saiyan alcohol se oh yeah.
Mere photo ko seene se yaar
Chipka le saiyan Fevicol se

From Katrina we move to Kareena. She calls herself as Tandoori chicken and asks Salman to consume her with alcohol. Okay I have two issues:

1.We all remember what happened when Salman Khan consumed alcohol the last time.(Hit and run case in case you don’t keep up with the news)

2.She is promoting cannibalism. 

And lastly she asks Salman to stick her photo on his chest. Imagine the song being pictured on Anil Kapoor instead of Salman Khan. That will be like free waxing for Anil when he decides to remove the photo.

4.BABY DOLL

Yeh duniya, yeh duniya pittal di
Yeh duniya pittal di
Yeh duniya pittal di..
Ho babydoll main sone di.. 

I really don’t have a problem with the song but I have a serious problem with guys that  go to watch Sunny Leone’s Bollywood movies. Guys please stop going. It’s only when her movies flop she will go back to do what she was best at. PORN. Like she should take a cue from MS Dhoni. Like when Dhoni comes to bowl we get excited but he doesn’t overstay his welcome. He goes back to doing what he is good at, keeping wickets. Coming back to the song, here she sings that the world is made of Copper. Ma'am please get out of your selfie addiction and turn off that retrica mode. And finally some where JJ Thompson turned 720 degrees in his grave cause this world is made of atoms and not copper. And finally you are not the granddaughter of Kalyan Jewelers. So no you are not made of Gold.