What Happens in a Lift Stays in a lift.

Hi I am Pratyutpanna K. Rout and those of you don't know me I am 6.3 feet tall. Yeah you can go ahead and crack your lame jokes about how I probably had an over dose of Complan or how I won't be able to kiss my girlfriend. But one thing I will be better at than you guys is climbing stairs and several other things but I won't talk about them.

When I say I am good at using stairs I mean I can climb two-three when you struggle to do that. That's one of the reasons I prefer stairs to lifts. But there are other reasons why I hate lifts. Remember the last time you used a lift at a mall? And regretted the decision of getting into the lift instead of taking the stairs. Probably because it was too crowded. I will tell you several more reasons why you regretted that decision.

So your decision culminates in to action with you being lazy and probably wanting to save time by using the lift. So you walk up to the lift and press the button. And you just don't press the button once, you keep pressing it after time intervals till the door opens. Like pressing it multiple times won't help it come up quickly. It's like Dhoni giving Rohit Sharma chances thinking he will become a legend. That shit won't happen. Now the door opens and you get in with a few other people waiting with you, and someone thinking that he probably has an IQ higher than Albert Einstein decides to press the switch that closes the door. But there is another guy waiting for an opportunity to go to Khatron ke Khiladi decides to show his agility and stops the door from closing by putting his body on the line. So all set and done  the lift has like 30 people and is carrying 20 people more than it should. You are behind wondering how did all of your life lead up to this moment. Lift moves up like a certain Rahul Dravid playing a test innings. And you suddenly notice the mole behind the person's head who is standing in front of you. Though you find it utterly disgusting you still keep staring at it cause seriously you have nothing better to do. What's worse is suddenly a strong scent hits you. It's a mixture of 19%Axe deodrant with 40% of cheap Cologne, 30% of sweat and body odour and 11% Kamla Pasand Pan masala. And to make it all worse every one else has to get out at floors before yours. And you are stuck in that hell of a place.

So next time remember this " Chain se upar jana hai toh seedhi chadhia". Or as some great person has said  " Mitroon fucking use the stairs even when it's not an emergency." 

What's wrong with Item Songs.

I have a real problem with item numbers. Not with how they portray women but what their lyrics actually mean. So I will try and decode some the most iconic item songs’ lyrics and thus prove how fucked up they sound.

1.SHEILA KI JAWANI

Ab dil karta hai huale haule se
Main khud ko gale lagaaun
Kisi aur ki mujhko zaroorat kya
Main to khud se pyaar jataaun
What's my name?
what's my name?
what's my name?
My name is Sheila, Sheila ki Jawani

Lets now analyze what the lyrics actually mean. Here Sheila says that she wants to slowly hug herself which clearly means that she is narcissist. Then she further goes on to say that she doesn’t need anyone else as she will make love to herself. She clearly wants to masturbate and so we realize even the best of us are not able to get laid. Thank you for the motivation. You, Sheila, are an inspiration to thousands of single people out there.

2.CHIKNI CHAMELI

Bichhu mere naina, badi zehereeli aankh maare
Kamsin kamariya saali ik thumke se lakh maare
Note hazaaro'n ke, khulla chhutta karaane aayi
Husn ki teelli se beedi-chillam jalaane aayi

Aaayi ! chikni chameli chhup ke akeli pawwa (quarter) chadha ke aayi 

 From one Katrina item number to another. Here she says that her eyes are like scorpions and that they are poisonous. That could be like the worst pick up line ever. “Yo babe your eyes are so poisonous that even scorpion bites feel like ant bites”. The logic is not allowed to die in peace just yet. It’s further tortured by saying that when she gyrates her “horny” waist thousands die. Like no one dies cause you have poisonous eyes everyone dies cause you have a horny waist. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day Daya walks upto ACP Pradyuman and goes like “Sir lagta hai ye admi hawas(horny) ke thumke se mara hai”. Then she further goes on to sing that she has come for change of 1000 bucks. Was this supposed to make all pharmacists, paan walas, petrol pump service men horny? Cause they are the only one having khulla or change. And she says she has come after drinking a quarter. As far I am concerned some one drunk has obviously written the lyrics.

3.FEVICOL SE

Main to tanduri main to tanduri murgi hoon yaar
Gatkale saiyan alcohol se oh yeah.
Mere photo ko seene se yaar
Chipka le saiyan Fevicol se

From Katrina we move to Kareena. She calls herself as Tandoori chicken and asks Salman to consume her with alcohol. Okay I have two issues:

1.We all remember what happened when Salman Khan consumed alcohol the last time.(Hit and run case in case you don’t keep up with the news)

2.She is promoting cannibalism. 

And lastly she asks Salman to stick her photo on his chest. Imagine the song being pictured on Anil Kapoor instead of Salman Khan. That will be like free waxing for Anil when he decides to remove the photo.

4.BABY DOLL

Yeh duniya, yeh duniya pittal di
Yeh duniya pittal di
Yeh duniya pittal di..
Ho babydoll main sone di.. 

I really don’t have a problem with the song but I have a serious problem with guys that  go to watch Sunny Leone’s Bollywood movies. Guys please stop going. It’s only when her movies flop she will go back to do what she was best at. PORN. Like she should take a cue from MS Dhoni. Like when Dhoni comes to bowl we get excited but he doesn’t overstay his welcome. He goes back to doing what he is good at, keeping wickets. Coming back to the song, here she sings that the world is made of Copper. Ma'am please get out of your selfie addiction and turn off that retrica mode. And finally some where JJ Thompson turned 720 degrees in his grave cause this world is made of atoms and not copper. And finally you are not the granddaughter of Kalyan Jewelers. So no you are not made of Gold.

What's wrong with banyans.

Recently I saw this advertisement of Ranbir Singh where he wears a Rupa Frontline banyan and goes on singing the benefits of wearing a Rupa banyan. And in the background are Russian girls going ga-ga over his macho personality. It got me thinking about what's wrong with banyans and their shitty advertisements.

 This is how banyan ads show a man wearing a banyan looks like:

 This is how banyan ads show  a man:

This is how he looks like in real life:

Look like God was messing with us Indian men when he created us. Like Jesus must have called up Prophet Mohammad and Vishnu and said "Bros now I am going to make a practical joke. So what I am gonna do is take a man and fill his entire body with hair and just for fun I am gonna put him in the hottest place on Earth".  And the joke didn't end there. Gods even gave us Indian men big man boobs. Now some intelligent guy realised "Hey I totally need something to support my man boobs." and thus he created the Indian banyan. Like if having hair and living in the world's hottest place wasn't enough we now had to wear a banyan under our shirts. That's cruel. And to make matters worse we Indian men totally judge a girl whose bra straps are visible. We must realise that's okay cause we ourselves are wearing man bras too. Yeah "man-bras" that's what they should actually be called. And if someone could please go and tell Amul Macho that there is no "aram se" in wearing a banyan/man-bra.                                                                                                                                                                   

INDIAN AIRPORTS

Well I am guy from a middle class Indian family, so I didn't have an opportunity to fly in an airplane till I was 18. So there are some things that happen while you are at the airports :

1.REALIZE THAT HEADPHONES ARE THE SI UNIT OF "AUKAD" AT AIRPORTS:
Yeah, headphones are the Porsche's of airport. So bigger and better your headphones the better your "aukad". That’s totally like judging someone’s intelligence through grades.

2.GAREEBI KA EHSAS HONA:
You totally feel like a gareeb when you decide to have a soft drink and realize it's like 5 times the original price. That’s like going into a United Colors of Benetton store to buy a tee for Rs2500 that you will get for Rs250 from the footpath.

3.AIR HOSTESS:
Air hostesses are good-looking women. Oh who am I kidding they are probably the best looking women you will ever see in your life, until and unless you are traveling by Air India. When you travel by Air India you realize who uses 75% of Garnier hair color. They are probably older than Baa from "Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu thi". They are so old that even Om Puri calls them aunty.
4.IF YOU ARE SINGLE AND UGLY:
Well if you’re single and ugly and no one checks you out airports are the place to be. You get to go through a minimum of three security checks. And at one point you could be standing imitating Shah Rukh Khan or reenacting your favorite scene from the Titanic except with an imaginary partner.
5.UNCOMFORTABLE CHAIRS:
You expect comfortable chairs if you are paying so much. But all you get are steel chairs without any cushions. No matter if you are at Bhubaneswar, Kolkata , Gawahati or Silchar airport. The chairs are uncomfortable.
6.THE TOILETS:
The toilets at the airports are so good that you could pee all day long baby, all day long. You see if “Swach Bharat Abhiyan” was celebrated before the PM of India declared it as a thing, it was at the airports. Never ever will get such great smelling toilets.

I will now speak like a traveler’s guide and say that “If you are ever at an airport do drop by and visit the toilet but avoid the over expensive coffee and soft drinks. The air hostesses are a treat to the eyes. But there is thin line between looking and ogling like a tharki that shouldn’t be crossed.”

Sad Life of the First Piece of Bread.

Are you sad cause you broke up? Are you sinking in to depression cause your crush doesn't notice you? Are you sad cause you are lonely and have no friends?
Well stop sulking. There is someone out there who is more lonely and ignored than you have been in your entire life. It's none other than the black sheep of the bread family. The first piece ladies and gentlemen.
Remember the last time you had opened the bread packet, you must have given a look of disgust to the first piece just cause it's malnourished and ugly looking, and then moved on the next piece. Well the first piece is just like the Rakhi Sawant of Bread Industry. Everyone notices it, but no one takes it seriously and it's ugly too.

Remember the last time you were hungry and looked into your fridge and saw just two pieces of bread remaining and realizing that it were the first and last piece you decided to die of hunger than eat them.

The first piece is like that unlucky son of a bitch who decides to opt for Commerce stream even if he is born in a family of doctors. Even the other bread pieces must be looking at him and saying "Abey ja na re chutiya! Kahe apni bezzati karwa raha hai?".

The biggest scam of all time has been carried out by the bakers by making us pay for the first pay. After Net Neutrality we should all demand Bread Neutrality. Who knows even someone may end up making videos about it. #BreadNeutrality.

P.S- Dear first piece, if you are reading this I am extremely sorry.

Indian Game Of Thrones.

If rumours are to be believed there is going to be an Indian adaptation of very popular HBO series 'Game of Thrones'. Sakshi Tanwar is going to play Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons.
Here is what I think about the adaptation idea:

1. The main reason I watch Game of Thrones is because of violence and sex. Two things Indian censor board is not going to allow on Indian television. Remember the time FTv got banned cause they showed models with lingerie on.

2.Even if in some parallel universe the censor board allows the show to be broadcasted, I don't have high hopes for the sex scenes. Reason? Try watching an Indian porn. You probably won't get aroused for a week after watching it.

3.Game of Thrones is the Indian equivalent of Bhatt camp. Giving pornstars opportunity to have a change of career. Actors like Sibel Kekilli, Maise Dee, Sahara Knite were all in the porn industry before being cast in GoT.

4.The one who is going to be highly benefited from the Indian adaptation is the slang 'Behenchod' applicable for Indian Jamie Lannister who is an incestuous relationship with his  sister.

5.We may see the dwarf Indian Tyrion Lannister drinking Royal Stag cause of it's tagline "It's your life, make it large".

6.We may see Tywin Lannister regretting not giving Tyrion the extra glass of Complan.

7.We may see Jon Snow being involved in a dispute with the Starks after Ned Starks death for access to Ned's property.

8.We may just see Gujju people star as the members of the Iron Bank.

9.Each time there is a wedding we are going to have a Maha Episode.

10.Each time any character goes to the whore house there will be a dance number, just like Madhuri Dixit had one in "Yeh Jawani Hai Deewani".

Somewhere Narendra Modi must be regretting saying those three magical words "MAKE IN INDIA".

What is wrong with Indian Ads

"2 minute ki movie 4 minute ka break"
-Indian Movie Channels

So i have been living in a hostel for last 5 months and recently i realized that the the thing i miss the most are watching Indian ads. So just to make sure I have the required patience to watch ads the next time I watch tv i have started watching Youtube ads without skipping them. Here are two ads i came across:

1. Varun Dhawan's Ponds men facewash ad:
The ad starts with the video showing how Varun Dhawan's mobile is low on charge after which Varun Dhawan very coolly points out that at the end of the day even our face loses it's charge. The good thing about the ad is that it targets the audience's soft spot. Yes their "smart phones". But the weird thing about the ad is that instead of Varun Dhawan rushing towards the charger to charge his phone he calmly decides to go for a face wash. Thus showing that Varun Dhawan isn't currently dating anyone and so doesn't have to worry about his lover texting and calling him.

2.Close Up Cupid games ads:
This ad shows various people taking up "close up"challenge and asking their crush's out for a date this valentines day. These are the kind of ads that make single people wanna stay single for the rest of their lives. This ad crosses the limits of chutiyapa. These ads are so bad that they should be the ones taken down from Youtube and not AIB Roast. These ads are so unrealistic that even Interstellar appears more realistic than the ads. So my advice to you guys is that use your reflexes and try and skip the ads after the five seconds and avoid getting traumatized for life.

Thank you.