Teleshopping Ads: of men, by men, for men.

I saw this quote which is quite popular in Facebook right now, it goes like "Women were created to do what men can't ". If this is even remotely true then blame shopping. Before you judge me and label me as sexist, hear me out. If there's one thing that men can't do and women were born to do, it's bargaining. Now let's know what bargaining is. Bargaining is what your mom does when she says "Aaj chicken nahi ban sakta hai. Mixed veg se kaam chala lo". Your dad would never do that. Not cause he loves you, but because he sucks at bargaining.
I often read these posts about how guys give out excuses that then don't have a girlfriend cause girls are high maintenance and ask for gifts. Guys the only reason I can think of for which girls do that "asking for gifts" stuff is because they want you to learn to bargain. Try gifting her a watch and saying "Baby 2000Rs ka ghaadi tha. Discount mein 1200Rs mein laya". Trust me she won't ask you for gifts again. And that's cause she now knows that you know how to bargain or utilize discounts.
Women's favorite word that starts with letter D and whose second letter is I is DISCOUNT. The best thing about women that starts with the letter B is BARGAINING ABILITY.
That's why I think the only customers of Tele shopping ads are MEN. Those poor souls look at these ads and are like "Bro ye toh hume free ka discount de raha hai. End od season sale bhi nahi chala raha bro. Kharid le bro". So no matter how naive and crap those ads are, men are tempted to buy from them. And trust me it doesn't differentiate between religion. It sells everything from Hindu God's memorabilia to Mohammad Prophet's holy items. "Divided by Religion, United by non-bargaining ability". That's the tag  line of those ads. They sell everything from car repair kit to chaadis, from religious items that are supposed to turn you in to a religious man with out any moh maya to oils that increase your libido and apparently turn you in to a sex machine. And everything is just to lure men to buy those items.
Men log driver hota hai usko car repair kit chahiye.
Men log ko chaadi chahiye.
Men are more religious and god fearing than women. The reason I say that is cause there are more Babas in this country than Ammas. Isliye men religious banega.
And come on do I really need to explain you about the oils.
So it's up to you to decide. Chutiya kaun banta hai tele shopping ads se? Men or women?
P.S : Order a rudraksha at 999rs from Naaptol and pray to God. Maybe he will answer ki Chutiya jyada kaun banta hai. Offer valid till stocks last.

Dog owners and Dog names.

Before I proceed I wanna make it very clear that I don't hate dogs. Not until I accidentally step on their shit. I am just writing this to vent out my frustration of doing badly in end semesters. But let's not deviate from our topic. Let's see what is wrong with dog owners.

First of all dog owners are hypocrites. Don't agree? Here's an example. Remember a few months back when everybody on facebook was going bat shit crazy about a certain Yulin festival in China. Reportedly they boiled dogs alive during the festivals. Facebook went in to a frenzy. Worst affected were dog owners. One even went as far as starting a petition. Bro, it's China. Unka facebook aur twitter pe banned hai. No one is going to give a rat's ass about it. And hypocrisy was at it's heights when half of those dog owners were non-vegetarians. Bro tu machli, bakri aur murga khata hai. Tu bol hi mat.

You see dog owners are a lot like people who are in a relationship. They both show off how much they love their dogs ( pun intended ) , occasionally post pictures of themselves with their respective dogs and share all kinds of shitty relationship/pet goals post. The only difference being the loyal dog stays with you for his entire lifetime.

But the most worrying similarity is with the names. People in relationships call each other with weird nicknames. Dog owners have weird names for their dogs too. So here are some of the names that defy the logic as to why you should have them as names for your dog.

1. MOTI ( Read as Moti in pearl and not as Moti for fat) : It's a very common dog name in India stereotyped by Bollywood and made popular by poor/middle class  dog owners. Gareeb admi ke paas jo sabse keemti saman hota hai usko woh Moti hi bulayega.

2.TOMMY: Another stereotypical Bollywood dog name. This name is usually given by middle class dog owners jisko Foreigners se jyada pyar hota hai. To be honest we Indians will get more excited if we see two White people on road than if we see a lion or a cheetah. That affinity towards goras led to dog being named as Tommy.

3.TIGER: This is the most fucked up and one of the most common dog names one can come across. It's okay if you name a cat as tiger as they come from the same family. But a dog named Tiger? Seriously? So what if you bring a pet cat and just randomly decide "Are ye toh kutta jaise lag raha hai. Isko main Bhedia(Wolf) bulaunga."

4.CADBURY: Not so common a name. But I have come across dog owners who have named their dogs as Cadbury. I have two problems with this name. One, you are a dog owner and you should know that chocolate is harmful for your dog. Second, the only thing of a dog that even remotely matches cadbury is his tatti.

P.S: Sorry dog owners. Maafi _/\_ 

Already Broken down News.

Hey this is something I am trying for the first time. Here I will be breaking down news of last one or two weeks and analyzing them ( of course trying to make light of the situation).

1. Ink thrown on Sudheendra Kulkarni

Well are you wondering what I am wondering? That WHO USES A FOUNTAIN PEN? Like where did Shiv Sena( the political party that stands accused over coordinating this heinous act) get so much ink that they could drench Mr. Kulkarni in ink? 

Here's what happened Kulkarni, one of the organisers for former Pakistan foreign minister Kauri's book "Neither a Hawk nor a Dove: An Insider's Account of Pakistan's Foreign policy"launch in Mumbai was attacked outside his residence and his face was smeared with black ink. Shiv Sena's excuse was that the ink thrown wasn't ink but Indian soldiers blood who had given up their lives on the border.My question is of the six Shiv Sena activists against whom a case has been charged how many were ex-servicemen? 

I agree that Pakistan has violated ceasefire on numerous occasions in the past two years and peace talks between India and Pakistan have broken down so many times that even Varun Aaron appears more fit than India-Pak relations, but this was no good way to protest. Come on Shiv Sena help us show Pakistanis that we are better than them.

2.Bihar Elections are on

Bihar elections have started and more alliances and coalitions have been formed in the last two months than number of marriages Saif Ali Khan, Sanjay Dutt and Indrani Mukherjee have had together. It's BJP vs JD+RJD+Congress, i.e BJP vs Janata Dal and Rashritya Janata Dal and Congress. More abuses have been hurled from one side to another than entire 12 seasons of MTV Roadies. Let's wait and see who emerges as the winner.

3.Big Billion Day ends

And all the Flipkart,Amazon and Snapdeal apps were uninstalled from billions of phones as well. And what hurts more than your neighbor getting a 32-inch flatscreen for 20,000 while yours cost 50,000. It's the only time of the year that we brag about the prices and the one with the cheapest thing wins.

4.France win the European Men's volleyball championship

And no one gives a fuck, cause honestly unless it's 4 bikini clad women playing beach volleyball or a bunch of people playing a something which is a hybrid of golf and hockey( cricket I mean) we don't care. And yeah Zaheer Khan and VirenderShewag retire. *sobs* 

What Happens in a Lift Stays in a lift.

Hi I am Pratyutpanna K. Rout and those of you don't know me I am 6.3 feet tall. Yeah you can go ahead and crack your lame jokes about how I probably had an over dose of Complan or how I won't be able to kiss my girlfriend. But one thing I will be better at than you guys is climbing stairs and several other things but I won't talk about them.

When I say I am good at using stairs I mean I can climb two-three when you struggle to do that. That's one of the reasons I prefer stairs to lifts. But there are other reasons why I hate lifts. Remember the last time you used a lift at a mall? And regretted the decision of getting into the lift instead of taking the stairs. Probably because it was too crowded. I will tell you several more reasons why you regretted that decision.

So your decision culminates in to action with you being lazy and probably wanting to save time by using the lift. So you walk up to the lift and press the button. And you just don't press the button once, you keep pressing it after time intervals till the door opens. Like pressing it multiple times won't help it come up quickly. It's like Dhoni giving Rohit Sharma chances thinking he will become a legend. That shit won't happen. Now the door opens and you get in with a few other people waiting with you, and someone thinking that he probably has an IQ higher than Albert Einstein decides to press the switch that closes the door. But there is another guy waiting for an opportunity to go to Khatron ke Khiladi decides to show his agility and stops the door from closing by putting his body on the line. So all set and done  the lift has like 30 people and is carrying 20 people more than it should. You are behind wondering how did all of your life lead up to this moment. Lift moves up like a certain Rahul Dravid playing a test innings. And you suddenly notice the mole behind the person's head who is standing in front of you. Though you find it utterly disgusting you still keep staring at it cause seriously you have nothing better to do. What's worse is suddenly a strong scent hits you. It's a mixture of 19%Axe deodrant with 40% of cheap Cologne, 30% of sweat and body odour and 11% Kamla Pasand Pan masala. And to make it all worse every one else has to get out at floors before yours. And you are stuck in that hell of a place.

So next time remember this " Chain se upar jana hai toh seedhi chadhia". Or as some great person has said  " Mitroon fucking use the stairs even when it's not an emergency." 

What's wrong with Item Songs.

I have a real problem with item numbers. Not with how they portray women but what their lyrics actually mean. So I will try and decode some the most iconic item songs’ lyrics and thus prove how fucked up they sound.

1.SHEILA KI JAWANI

Ab dil karta hai huale haule se
Main khud ko gale lagaaun
Kisi aur ki mujhko zaroorat kya
Main to khud se pyaar jataaun
What's my name?
what's my name?
what's my name?
My name is Sheila, Sheila ki Jawani

Lets now analyze what the lyrics actually mean. Here Sheila says that she wants to slowly hug herself which clearly means that she is narcissist. Then she further goes on to say that she doesn’t need anyone else as she will make love to herself. She clearly wants to masturbate and so we realize even the best of us are not able to get laid. Thank you for the motivation. You, Sheila, are an inspiration to thousands of single people out there.

2.CHIKNI CHAMELI

Bichhu mere naina, badi zehereeli aankh maare
Kamsin kamariya saali ik thumke se lakh maare
Note hazaaro'n ke, khulla chhutta karaane aayi
Husn ki teelli se beedi-chillam jalaane aayi

Aaayi ! chikni chameli chhup ke akeli pawwa (quarter) chadha ke aayi 

 From one Katrina item number to another. Here she says that her eyes are like scorpions and that they are poisonous. That could be like the worst pick up line ever. “Yo babe your eyes are so poisonous that even scorpion bites feel like ant bites”. The logic is not allowed to die in peace just yet. It’s further tortured by saying that when she gyrates her “horny” waist thousands die. Like no one dies cause you have poisonous eyes everyone dies cause you have a horny waist. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day Daya walks upto ACP Pradyuman and goes like “Sir lagta hai ye admi hawas(horny) ke thumke se mara hai”. Then she further goes on to sing that she has come for change of 1000 bucks. Was this supposed to make all pharmacists, paan walas, petrol pump service men horny? Cause they are the only one having khulla or change. And she says she has come after drinking a quarter. As far I am concerned some one drunk has obviously written the lyrics.

3.FEVICOL SE

Main to tanduri main to tanduri murgi hoon yaar
Gatkale saiyan alcohol se oh yeah.
Mere photo ko seene se yaar
Chipka le saiyan Fevicol se

From Katrina we move to Kareena. She calls herself as Tandoori chicken and asks Salman to consume her with alcohol. Okay I have two issues:

1.We all remember what happened when Salman Khan consumed alcohol the last time.(Hit and run case in case you don’t keep up with the news)

2.She is promoting cannibalism. 

And lastly she asks Salman to stick her photo on his chest. Imagine the song being pictured on Anil Kapoor instead of Salman Khan. That will be like free waxing for Anil when he decides to remove the photo.

4.BABY DOLL

Yeh duniya, yeh duniya pittal di
Yeh duniya pittal di
Yeh duniya pittal di..
Ho babydoll main sone di.. 

I really don’t have a problem with the song but I have a serious problem with guys that  go to watch Sunny Leone’s Bollywood movies. Guys please stop going. It’s only when her movies flop she will go back to do what she was best at. PORN. Like she should take a cue from MS Dhoni. Like when Dhoni comes to bowl we get excited but he doesn’t overstay his welcome. He goes back to doing what he is good at, keeping wickets. Coming back to the song, here she sings that the world is made of Copper. Ma'am please get out of your selfie addiction and turn off that retrica mode. And finally some where JJ Thompson turned 720 degrees in his grave cause this world is made of atoms and not copper. And finally you are not the granddaughter of Kalyan Jewelers. So no you are not made of Gold.

What's wrong with banyans.

Recently I saw this advertisement of Ranbir Singh where he wears a Rupa Frontline banyan and goes on singing the benefits of wearing a Rupa banyan. And in the background are Russian girls going ga-ga over his macho personality. It got me thinking about what's wrong with banyans and their shitty advertisements.

 This is how banyan ads show a man wearing a banyan looks like:

 This is how banyan ads show  a man:

This is how he looks like in real life:

Look like God was messing with us Indian men when he created us. Like Jesus must have called up Prophet Mohammad and Vishnu and said "Bros now I am going to make a practical joke. So what I am gonna do is take a man and fill his entire body with hair and just for fun I am gonna put him in the hottest place on Earth".  And the joke didn't end there. Gods even gave us Indian men big man boobs. Now some intelligent guy realised "Hey I totally need something to support my man boobs." and thus he created the Indian banyan. Like if having hair and living in the world's hottest place wasn't enough we now had to wear a banyan under our shirts. That's cruel. And to make matters worse we Indian men totally judge a girl whose bra straps are visible. We must realise that's okay cause we ourselves are wearing man bras too. Yeah "man-bras" that's what they should actually be called. And if someone could please go and tell Amul Macho that there is no "aram se" in wearing a banyan/man-bra.                                                                                                                                                                   

INDIAN AIRPORTS

Well I am guy from a middle class Indian family, so I didn't have an opportunity to fly in an airplane till I was 18. So there are some things that happen while you are at the airports :

1.REALIZE THAT HEADPHONES ARE THE SI UNIT OF "AUKAD" AT AIRPORTS:
Yeah, headphones are the Porsche's of airport. So bigger and better your headphones the better your "aukad". That’s totally like judging someone’s intelligence through grades.

2.GAREEBI KA EHSAS HONA:
You totally feel like a gareeb when you decide to have a soft drink and realize it's like 5 times the original price. That’s like going into a United Colors of Benetton store to buy a tee for Rs2500 that you will get for Rs250 from the footpath.

3.AIR HOSTESS:
Air hostesses are good-looking women. Oh who am I kidding they are probably the best looking women you will ever see in your life, until and unless you are traveling by Air India. When you travel by Air India you realize who uses 75% of Garnier hair color. They are probably older than Baa from "Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu thi". They are so old that even Om Puri calls them aunty.
4.IF YOU ARE SINGLE AND UGLY:
Well if you’re single and ugly and no one checks you out airports are the place to be. You get to go through a minimum of three security checks. And at one point you could be standing imitating Shah Rukh Khan or reenacting your favorite scene from the Titanic except with an imaginary partner.
5.UNCOMFORTABLE CHAIRS:
You expect comfortable chairs if you are paying so much. But all you get are steel chairs without any cushions. No matter if you are at Bhubaneswar, Kolkata , Gawahati or Silchar airport. The chairs are uncomfortable.
6.THE TOILETS:
The toilets at the airports are so good that you could pee all day long baby, all day long. You see if “Swach Bharat Abhiyan” was celebrated before the PM of India declared it as a thing, it was at the airports. Never ever will get such great smelling toilets.

I will now speak like a traveler’s guide and say that “If you are ever at an airport do drop by and visit the toilet but avoid the over expensive coffee and soft drinks. The air hostesses are a treat to the eyes. But there is thin line between looking and ogling like a tharki that shouldn’t be crossed.”

Sad Life of the First Piece of Bread.

Are you sad cause you broke up? Are you sinking in to depression cause your crush doesn't notice you? Are you sad cause you are lonely and have no friends?
Well stop sulking. There is someone out there who is more lonely and ignored than you have been in your entire life. It's none other than the black sheep of the bread family. The first piece ladies and gentlemen.
Remember the last time you had opened the bread packet, you must have given a look of disgust to the first piece just cause it's malnourished and ugly looking, and then moved on the next piece. Well the first piece is just like the Rakhi Sawant of Bread Industry. Everyone notices it, but no one takes it seriously and it's ugly too.

Remember the last time you were hungry and looked into your fridge and saw just two pieces of bread remaining and realizing that it were the first and last piece you decided to die of hunger than eat them.

The first piece is like that unlucky son of a bitch who decides to opt for Commerce stream even if he is born in a family of doctors. Even the other bread pieces must be looking at him and saying "Abey ja na re chutiya! Kahe apni bezzati karwa raha hai?".

The biggest scam of all time has been carried out by the bakers by making us pay for the first pay. After Net Neutrality we should all demand Bread Neutrality. Who knows even someone may end up making videos about it. #BreadNeutrality.

P.S- Dear first piece, if you are reading this I am extremely sorry.

Indian Game Of Thrones.

If rumours are to be believed there is going to be an Indian adaptation of very popular HBO series 'Game of Thrones'. Sakshi Tanwar is going to play Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons.
Here is what I think about the adaptation idea:

1. The main reason I watch Game of Thrones is because of violence and sex. Two things Indian censor board is not going to allow on Indian television. Remember the time FTv got banned cause they showed models with lingerie on.

2.Even if in some parallel universe the censor board allows the show to be broadcasted, I don't have high hopes for the sex scenes. Reason? Try watching an Indian porn. You probably won't get aroused for a week after watching it.

3.Game of Thrones is the Indian equivalent of Bhatt camp. Giving pornstars opportunity to have a change of career. Actors like Sibel Kekilli, Maise Dee, Sahara Knite were all in the porn industry before being cast in GoT.

4.The one who is going to be highly benefited from the Indian adaptation is the slang 'Behenchod' applicable for Indian Jamie Lannister who is an incestuous relationship with his  sister.

5.We may see the dwarf Indian Tyrion Lannister drinking Royal Stag cause of it's tagline "It's your life, make it large".

6.We may see Tywin Lannister regretting not giving Tyrion the extra glass of Complan.

7.We may see Jon Snow being involved in a dispute with the Starks after Ned Starks death for access to Ned's property.

8.We may just see Gujju people star as the members of the Iron Bank.

9.Each time there is a wedding we are going to have a Maha Episode.

10.Each time any character goes to the whore house there will be a dance number, just like Madhuri Dixit had one in "Yeh Jawani Hai Deewani".

Somewhere Narendra Modi must be regretting saying those three magical words "MAKE IN INDIA".

What is wrong with Indian Ads

"2 minute ki movie 4 minute ka break"
-Indian Movie Channels

So i have been living in a hostel for last 5 months and recently i realized that the the thing i miss the most are watching Indian ads. So just to make sure I have the required patience to watch ads the next time I watch tv i have started watching Youtube ads without skipping them. Here are two ads i came across:

1. Varun Dhawan's Ponds men facewash ad:
The ad starts with the video showing how Varun Dhawan's mobile is low on charge after which Varun Dhawan very coolly points out that at the end of the day even our face loses it's charge. The good thing about the ad is that it targets the audience's soft spot. Yes their "smart phones". But the weird thing about the ad is that instead of Varun Dhawan rushing towards the charger to charge his phone he calmly decides to go for a face wash. Thus showing that Varun Dhawan isn't currently dating anyone and so doesn't have to worry about his lover texting and calling him.

2.Close Up Cupid games ads:
This ad shows various people taking up "close up"challenge and asking their crush's out for a date this valentines day. These are the kind of ads that make single people wanna stay single for the rest of their lives. This ad crosses the limits of chutiyapa. These ads are so bad that they should be the ones taken down from Youtube and not AIB Roast. These ads are so unrealistic that even Interstellar appears more realistic than the ads. So my advice to you guys is that use your reflexes and try and skip the ads after the five seconds and avoid getting traumatized for life.

Thank you.

You know you are tall when

You know you are tall when:

1. you and your girlfriend look like positive and negative terminals of battery circuit symbol( I am an Electrical engineering student. I had to make this joke.)

2.your parents are ashamed to walk beside not cause of your deeds but because of your height. ( I am a Indian guy. So opinion of my parents matters a lot.)

3.you are requested to click the groupies not because you are good at clicking them but because you have long hands.(sad but true)

4.everyone stares at you at wedding receptions not because you are good looking but because you are tall.(and ugly)

5.Indian aunties joke about how your mom is not going to get her "bahu" because your mother won't be able to find a tall girl for you.( they naturally assume that I don't have a girlfriend.)

6.your friends spend half the time wondering how you will kiss your girlfriend.

7.people naturally assume that you play basketball.

8.your teachers and parents don't slap you cause they can't reach your cheeks.( I am a good boy)

9.you get caught first when you are in a group and do stupid shit.

10.you scare the shit out of kids.

Why the Indian squad for ICC world cup is like a gully cricket team

"MC BC, Anu sirf meri hai"
-Virat "dating Anushka Sharma" Kohli to Sushant Singh Rajput after watching "PK"

So BCCI declared the Indian team for ICC Cricket World Cup 2015 and social media sites were filled with jokes about Stuart Binny. The team had very few surprise inclusions. With no doubt MS Dhoni leading the team this time around.

Dhoni, if you remember, is like that "bade bhaiya"who came to play cricket with you and used to be the one batsman you idolised growing up. But after growing up you realise that "bade bhaiya"was jobless. Dhoni being the senior most member of the squad is like that guy only.
Virat Kohli resembles that spoilt brat who played very well but sweared a lot. He is like the same kid your mom advised you to stay away from.
Ajinkya Rahane is like that guy who came from a good family, balanced his studies and extra-curricular activities well. He was the guy your parents compared you to. He was like the SI unit of measurement of "how good you could be".
Sikhar Dhawan resembles the player in your team who wasn't dependable. He most probably got out by hitting the ball in to that uncle's house who was very khadoos. You wanted to be friends with him cause he was the coolest guy to hang out with.
Rohit Sharma is that guy who you took in your team cause he had a bat and provided the money for the balls.
Stuart Binny is that guy whose father came and pleaded with your team mates to give him a chance to bat. And you all being the good boys you pretend to be allowed him to play.
Ishant Sharma was like that guy who had no idea why he was in the team. But the truth was he was allowed to play cause he wasn't greedy to bat.
Ravindra Jadeja was that guy who thought he could bat, bowl, keep wickets, dance, breathe, do potty better than everyone else.
R.Ashwin was that guy who no matter what took wickets and you wondered how.
Axar Patel was the small kid who fetched the ball and water to drink cause you were "too tired"to do that yourself.
Umesh Yadav was that guy who scared everyone with his pace but no matter what was always that bowler who got hit for maximum runs.
Bhubaneswar Kumar, Mohammad Shami and Ambati Raydu were the guys who just came, played and went home.


Anyways the way Indian team is performing right now is very depressing. And to recover from that bout of depression I suggest you to start watching Jai Ho on star cricket, cause that is the place India never loses. Thank you...

Why being in a relationship is exactly like preparing for entrance exams

"Nothings more tedious than dating a girl and/or preparing for entrance exams".
-William 'preparing for JEE' Shakespeare

Remember the first class you attended at your coaching institute? How you thought your life would change after you got in to IIT? How your coaching institute's finest teacher inspired you? How you will give up hanging out with your friends, give up watching t.v just to work hard and get into a reputed college?
Now compare them with how you felt the first time you saw your girlfriend. How you thought your life would change after you fall in love? How she will inspire you to be a better man? How you thought your life will change once you get into a relationship with her? How you will give up looking at other girls just for her? This is the time you should realize your life is going to fuck you in your ass.
Now try and analyze how the first 2-3 months of your coaching went. You did all your assignments on time, tried to score good marks in tests and you started studying till late in the night. Now try the same for your relationship. How you never left a chance to say how much you love her, how much you tried to keep her happy and how to talked with her till late in the night.
Now think about the time till 3-4 months before your entrance exams. Remember how you had neglected your studies, how you no longer cared about how much marks you secured in your tests? Now do the same for your relationship. Think how you no longer could bear her constant blabbering and how you no longer cared if you were in a relationship or not?
Enter the timeline just 2 months before your entrance exams. You realize how you are a total mess. How fucked you are if you don't crack your entrance exams? How you had no other option but to study? How try to think about the time your girlfriend stops giving you "bhao"and starts eating "bhao"herself? How you realize that you have no other option but give ample attention to your girlfriend?
Now the ending part depends on you. In case you were doing double time you probably managed to stay in a relationship or after reading this blog you are going to search "Sunny Leone"in Google and do what you ought to do in a IIT or NIT with your "half-girlfriend"(your hand). And in rarest of rare cases you are in a reputed institute and chatting away with your girlfriend.
P.S- I hope my girlfriend doesn't read this blog.